For the past three years I’ve been really confused about what I want to do for a career. I grew up in the country, and there was always so much to explore that everyday felt new and exciting. There was also a second house on our property, and I assumed when I was a child I would grow up and just magically live in the second house without having to work and earn a living.

University was never an aspiration of mine growing up. It never felt a part of “my path.” It wasn’t something I thought of. Ever. But when people began to talk about it as I got older, I thought to myself, “Oh God this is actually a thing!” It’s not that I was naïve, it just wasn’t a big topic amongst my family (my parents didn’t take post-secondary school, so that’s probably why as well). I was so wrapped in the present moment of living on our farm I never thought about the idea of university until the age of seventeen. I thought I’d be in the country forever.

Grade twelve eople began asking the oh-so-lovely question of, “what are you going off to do?” To which my answer was routinely, “I have no idea at the moment,” or any moment for which it seems. We also moved into town, so living in that second house was now out of the question (I wouldn’t want to live in it now anyways haha).

Throughout high school, I began to really get into English literature. Writing has always been pretty big in my life, even as a child. I always seemed to have either a pencil, marker, or paint brush in my hand.

So in the last year of high school, I had my sight pretty set on an English Degree. I wanted to be a writer. But once high school came to an end, I wanted to get away from school as much as possible. I was tired of sitting and writing. If I wasn’t writing for school I was writing in my free time. All I did was write, and when I finished school I just wanted away from all of it. So that desire to be a writer kind of fizzled out. But I still write and I still can’t get away from it, so I think that’s a sign. Even when I try to step away from it, I’ll wake up and the first thing I reach for is a book.

I’ve narrowed it down to these three things that are keeping me from just picking something to go after:

~Risking thousands of dollars on something that I may not like in the end.

~Having to leave my family to go off to school (I feel like I’ll miss something significant if I move away from home. Even when I’m gone for one day I come home asking everyone what they did while I was gone to catch up.)

~My own fear of presenting and being in the spotlight that’s keeping me from making a decision. As soon as I read up on a programs itinerary and it says “communications unit: give speech/presentation,” I shield myself from it by instantly saying no (which I know is wrong).

I think if I knew I could go into a program without having to present or get up in front of a ton of people, I could do the program no problem. I’m someone who wants to just get in a classroom, sit down, and get to work reading, writing, and researching – uninterrupted. I also understand with any big life change there is going to be challenges, and since I’m someone with anxiety it might just be a little more of a struggle for me. And I accept that.

I’m just trying to find the courage to make the best choice for me, and once it’s made to go after it and not be stifled by it. But hopefully I’ll feel passionate enough about the subject that the desire to succeed in the field is stronger than my apprehension.

Currently, I’m still very confused if you can’t tell (I apologize if this post was a bit jumbled – I’m trying to sort through the confusion). Looking at where I am, I think I’ve dived into who I am and what my interests are enough; I’ve answered endless amounts of self-discovery questions, made vision boards, read books on discovering who you are, and I’ve written out every single profession I’ve wanted to be in the past 20 years of my life.

Now is a time I need to get out of my introverted shell and just try things. I’ve done every explorative thing possible as a homebody. Now I need to be more explorative with things outside home, like volunteer opportunities and jobs, even if it scares me. My blog is one of the things that was on my list to try, and I have, and I love it. But something inside me still feels empty and missing, confused and lost, and I think I still need to branch out and try more things, alongside getting deeper into blogging.

I understand I’m young. I’m only 20 years old. I have so many years ahead of me of exploring who I am. I know I’m not done exploring who I am, so I don’t feel bad for myself for not knowing what I want to do, or being confused, or having yet to pick a university program. And you shouldn’t either. It’s a journey not a destination, and all our journey’s are different.

I also feel a lot of people my age are anxious to advance because they “don’t want to fall behind.” I was like this for a while as well but I’ve come to terms that we’re all on our own life path. Some people go off to school, some don’t. Some people drop out, some stay. Some people take their degrees and make use of them, others realize their degree isn’t actually what they want to do. Research has proven the average person changes their career multiple times throughout their lives. So even if someone is definite on a career now at the age of twenty, that doesn’t mean that’s what they’ll be interested in ten years from now, or even a year. It’s important to not get caught up with the mentality of “being caught up with everyone else.” It’s not realistic.

With all of this said, even though I grew up with post-secondary school not feeling on my path, I’m not ruling it out. I love learning and there’s a part of me that still wants to go after an English degree. I’m staying open minded and not putting pressure on myself. I feel like putting pressure on myself will just disrupt the journey and cause me to go after something my heart isn’t into. I trust I will end up in the right place at the right time, now I just need to begin to take small action each day to get there.

Feel free to comment down below and give me a different perspective. I love to see other peoples views on topics like this because they may just have some great advice on how to go about it.

Thanks for reading! 🙂

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